Ever since Arnold Schwarzenegger has graced the television of my childhood home, I’ve always looked up to him. What wasn’t there to look up to? He was a power house! He came from Austria and was built bigger than a brick house, his movies are amazing and his voice…good Lord this man’s voice. I’ve yet to hear another’s that demands attention as soon as you hear it.
He’s a force that has taken the world by storm. His over the top action movies are a staple in Hollywood, and rightfully so.
Now keep all of that in mind while I turn back time to three days ago. We put up a “Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies” poll to see what a group of elite veterans such as ourselves would deem the BEST Arnold movie of all time. I hope you’re all happy with the outcome. You were wrong, but let’s get it over with.
The majority of you voted (WRONGLY) that “Predator” was the number 1 Arnold Schwarzenegger movie of all time. PREDATOR, people!!!! I’m not going to waste my time writing about that movie. I thought I could count on you all to choose what was the obvious choice. 15 of you chose correctly. For that, I commend you! You obviously learned something while living in this great nation and putting your lives on hold for your country. Now, without further ado, I give you the ABSOLUTE BEST that Arnold Schwarzenegger has to offer. Ladies and Gentlemen, number three on our “Top 10 Schwarzenegger Movies”, but number 1 in our hearts, I give to you…JINGLE ALL THE WAY!!!!
That’s right people. Arnold’s number one movie of all time is “Jingle All The Way”. It doesn’t matter that you got it wrong, I’ve righted that wrong for you. You are welcome. Now that I’ve forgiven you for your transgressions and we’re all in a festive mood, let’s move on with the article.
On Christmas Eve of 1996, millions of consumers embarked on a magical journey with Howard Langston. A father that worked so hard to make sure that his family could want for nothing, that he barely had time for them. On Christmas Eve, Howard found out that his spoiled brat of a son only wanted one toy for Christmas…never mind the fact that the little runt had an amazing bedroom and all the toys he could ever want, or that he had more Christmas presents under the tree than the damn Clintons’. No, this kid wanted one MORE toy on top of all of that. And, as luck would have it, it was the hardest to find toy in the world…Turbo-Man. This dime-store, plastic heap of not-so-awesomeness was the only thing his kid desired. And what does Howard do? What any loving father would do on Christmas Eve of course. He left the comfort of his own home that day to battle irate shoppers, pissy store workers, elves, and even the United States Post Office (the unofficial 6th branch of the United States military).
The love this man showed for his son while battling the likes of the neighborhood gigolo, the Big Show, Phil Palmfeather dressed as Santa, and Booger the chain-smoking Booster, was nothing short of inspiring. Every hardship that Howard endured over the course of that 95 minutes was worth it. In the end, he became the ULTIMATE ACTION HERO when he put on the costume of his child’s favorite new fad that was destined to be forgotten by the end of winter break. Howard became Turbo-Man in the eyes of his son, and the world. Forcing fathers everywhere to live up to the legacy he would leave behind for generations to come.
This movie has captured the hearts of every father that has braved an early morning, chilly Black Friday in order to get that one toy that their child wants the most. Yes people, this movie surely did embody the whole of Christmas and it is for that reason alone that it is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s greatest movie of all time.
And just for the hell of it, here’s the official poll results!
Kindergarten Cop…It’s not a tumah!— 23 Votes
Predator…RUN TO DA CHOPPA!!!— 42 Votes
Jingle All The Way…Those are my cookies! – 15 votes (the only good minded people in the whole group right here!!)
Terminator 2…I’ll be back – 9 votes
Conan the Barbarian…CROOOOOOOM!!!! – 5 votes
Total Recall…Relax. You’ll live longer. – 4 Votes
Commando…let off some steam – 4 votes
Terminator… – 3 votes
Last Action Hero…No sequel for you – 3 votes
End of Days (You’re a f@#$ing Choirboy compared to me) – 2 votes
Running Man – 2 votes
Hercules in New York “You should be honored that Hercules would ride in your chariot!” – 2 votes
Sabotage – 2 votes
True Lies…Fear is not an option. – 2 votes
Twins…YAKKITY YAK!! – 1 vote
Junior – 1 vote
Eraser – 1 vote