Sometimes I wake up and I am war.
I wake up and I do not know where I am at. The room is dark and I am staring into a ceiling fan that I wasn’t certain that I had. My breathing becomes hard and laborious and I believe that I have woken up into a place that I was at over a decade ago.
Rubbing my eyes, getting all the sleep out – rubbing my temples I start to come to that I am in the right place. I have woken up in my own bed. Sleep usually alludes me after I wake up in this matter, but I don’t stop trying to go back to sleep; so, I get up and I look around my surroundings and I wonder how I got to this point in my life. What did I do to deserve where I am at? Am I a good person? Am I doing enough for those that do not have the luxuries of being in a home?
I do not know what woke me up, and it is not a normal time to be awake, my family and my children are all still sleeping as I make my way to the restroom to work out some other issues that arouse, stomach pains and the whatnot. The VA says it is IBS/ICS Severe, but all my own research states that it is something else, but not certain for certain – I am not a doctor, but I play one on WebMD. From there I move on to a different part of the house to watch some television, usually the early morning news, or a replay of a sporting event, and sometimes even a movie – a movie that probably shouldn’t be watched at that time of night – seeing as how the circumstances that awoke me are most likely in the movie. Finally, I hear my family moving above me. It is time to start moving in the direction of Dad.
All the while: making breakfasts and coffee and lunches, and… and… and… The kids often ask, “Did you sleep downstairs Dad?” And of course, the answer is always easier coming out as a grunt and shaking my head. Most the time I will force out the “No.” They don’t understand, so I don’t talk to them about it, my wife asks, and I don’t tell her either. I should, but I don’t want her to wonder what is really going on in my brain because half the time I don’t understand what is going on in my mind, let alone tell someone about it.
On those days when I wake up warring with myself, in my head, my family will know there is something different, but I try my hardest to conceal it. It does not work. They know when there is something going on, and a lot of the time I can pass it off on one of my many creaking body parts – shoulder, knees, stomach, back, etcetera… And I pass it off as that, but they know. They may be young, but they know that there is something going on. And when I get home from taking them to school, they will always be on my mind. And being who I am, I do not want to reach out to anyone. And my productivity drops, but when I decide to reach out to someone to talk to then it helps.
Talking is not always the best, but maybe working out, or breathing in a better manner, deep breathes in and complete exhales out. This does not always help, but that means I have to try the next thing, and the next thing could be harder than the next. Call someone that I know that knows what I am going through. Personally, I can call my team leader from overseas, or I can talk to some of my friends through FreedomSystem.org, or Alpha Nerds Guild. And that can help!
Unfortunately, sometimes people are not able to talk at all times, between work, life, and their family things, and I can’t always call the Vet Center, as much as I would love to be able to say that. The next thing I do is always the hardest for me because productivity goes through the floor. I play video games. Games that get my mind into a different spot – not games that take me to the spot in which I was at that woke me up the several hours prior.
I have a Rabbi that I work with, yes I realize that I am not Jewish, but he is an excellent person, and he works with me through the Vet Center, and quite honestly he is the best person that I have ever worked with at the Veteran’s Administration. Anyways, I digress. The Rabbi states – “You know what the problem is with you Christians?” And the first time I heard that it took me back a little bit… What the heck does he mean by that?
“You Christians do not use your Jesus!”
Let that sink in for a moment.
I don’t – after everything that I have said about what I do, I should run to Jesus and pray for his healing power. I should talk to a clergy, I should… use my Jesus?
I am a Christian, and I totally believe in the power of prayer. I believe that if I ask for forgiveness and relief that God is going to heal me. It may not be over the course of the day, but I do believe it will happen.
Use your Jesus. And when I remember and I get to that point, I make the mistake of forgetting to use Jesus when I am in pain, when I am weak, or just need someone to talk to. He always listen’s, doesn’t always answer, or maybe we just cannot hear his answer.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you in reverence for my perseverance. Please guide me into making right choices today, and help me overcome the dark shroud that has developed in my mind. Please forgive me my sins and help me get through this day and everyday with your forgiveness. Please help me forgive myself and to forgive others that have slighted me. In Jesus name. Amen”
Sometimes I am war, but when I think about it and give myself over to one of the ways I mentioned, or another way, then I am able to move on and continue and become a better productive person and be able to help others.
What is something that you do when you are feeling weak?